


Bedtime Stories and Circus Tales (Of Those We Lost to the Night)

by rosedae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:25:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8128586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosedae/pseuds/rosedae
Summary: If you know anything about traveling circuses in their prime then you probably a thing or two about Barnum and Bailey and the Ringling Brothers. You probably know about the death of Jumbo and the fire of 1944; but you probably don’t know about The Night Brothers. We were, in fact, The Greatest Show on Earth, but no one ever knew it. We filled up seats even during the Great Depression, but never made it past 1939. It’s the world’s best kept secret, and there’s a reason for that. Come in close then, I won’t tell it twice. (night circus!au)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was loosely based off of Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus, a recommended read if you haven't done so yet! Sara Gruen's Water For Elephants also helped with some aspects of the circus. Special thanks to S for yelling at me and making sure I got this done on time and for listening to me whine even if she didn't actually get to read it yet herself. Thanks to the prompter for submitting this prompt because I loved it and I'm glad I got a chance to write this so I hope you enjoy! Much thanks to the Mods for being so patient with me throughout the process, seriously.  
> This was written for the 2015 round of girlexochange!

 

_“They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that’s true. What they don’t tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.” -Big Fish_

  
  


 

**Prologue: Do You Believe in Magic?**

 

  
My grandmother’s favourite story to tell is the one about how she met the love of her life.  
  
“Do you believe in magic?” She asks. A five year old me nodded along enthusiastically, a twenty five year old me tells her to stop being ridiculous and tell the real story. “This is the real story,” she says. “There is no other way to tell it.”  
  
There’s a box of letters still up in our attic, but not one of them ever got sent. They have a recipient, but no address.  
  
There could be a box of unsent letters somewhere in Europe, but they’re as lost as the person who wrote them.  
  
“Now listen carefully,” she says, “if you know anything about traveling circuses in their prime then you probably a thing or two about Barnum and Bailey and the Ringling Brothers. You probably know about the death of Jumbo and the fire of 1944; but you probably don’t know about The Night Brothers. We were, in fact, The Greatest Show on Earth, but no one ever knew it. We filled up seats even during the Great Depression, but never made it past 1939. It’s the world’s best kept secret, and there’s a reason for that. Come in close then, I won’t tell it twice. And remember, this story has a happy ending, no matter how sad it may seem.”

 

**01\. The Last Train of the Day (April 1934)**

  
The last train of the day always left at six pm sharp. The sound of the rickety wheels on the old tracks let me know that evening had come again and that I had made it through another day. My town was incredibly dull, nothing ever happened, and I lived right on the edge of it. If you were to look out of the front window you’d see rows of identical white houses on decent sized lots. Each house was equipped with a porch with a swing and an old dog sleeping by the door. Every lot had bright green grass that was always trimmed, not a brown spot could be seen. Everyone knew everyone, and by eight every morning, I heard the sounds of people greeting each other on the street. If you were to look out of the back window all you would see was an empty flat landscape, with small rolling hills further in the distance. That town wasn’t on any map, but somehow they found it.  
  
I remember that first night exactly. It was about three weeks after I turned twenty, just when the weather was starting to get warmer and everything was starting to grow again. The train blew its whistle three times at six pm and I was in bed by ten. I expected to wake up to the noises of the street at eight as per usual, but instead I was awakened at midnight to the sound of music. I wish I could describe to you the way it sounded when it trickled through my walls, but I’m afraid it’s something you needed to have heard yourself to really understand. It was welcoming, but also enticing, the kind of music you would want to follow just to see where it’s coming from. It wasn’t a very fast beat, but it wasn’t slow either. It was almost hypnotic, but not quite, because I didn’t follow it that night. I didn’t even try to figure out where it came from.  
  
The music woke me up again the next night at the same time. This time I listened. I heard some guitar, violin, saxophone, flute, and piano. They weren’t playing typical circus music and certainly not the kind you see in the movies nowadays. They were playing their own music, everything about that place was their own.  
  
It wasn’t until the third night that I actually got out of bed. That morning when I went out at 8:15 (exactly, mind you, I was always on time) to grab the paper, I saw my neighbour. “Good morning!” He said. And I greeted him back. Then I asked him about the music, and he had no idea what I was talking about. All he did was pat me on the head and tell me that he hoped I got a better sleep that night. So it was on that third night that I waited up in bed expectantly, and just as the train left on time every night, the music started again. This time, I pushed my covers aside and placed my slippered feet on the wood floor, making my way to the kitchen. The doors opened onto the back patio. The music was louder from outside, and when I looked out across the fields, there it was.  
From my place, I could see the various sizes of tents and all the lights. It seemed so far away, but when I started walking, it got close fast. The music continued to play, but I never saw any speakers. The main tent was right in the middle, surrounded by about ten smaller tents. All the tents were black and white striped and a black iron fence surrounded the lot. It was like walking into a film noir. I stood at the gate and looked up. _The Night Bros._ was written upon the arch.  
  
There was one ticket booth and no line, so I walked right up. “Here to see the show?” The boy at the booth looked young, no more than fifteen. He was wearing pyjamas, and it was at that time that I realized I had also gone in my pyjamas.  
  
“What’s the fee?” I asked.  
  
“Just a pretty smile from the pretty lady.”  
  
It took longer, but the depression had hit our small town as well. It hit everywhere, and the circus believed that any money that was saved should be spent on food. Their entertainment was free to help people get through. I smiled at him and he gestured for me to go in. That boy was in the front row for the show that night, but past that night I never saw him again.  
  
Walking about the circus grounds were various workers. The performers—artists as they preferred— did not wander the grounds before the show started, choosing instead to make sure they were ready. There were people I didn’t recognize from town, and people I did, but no one ever talked about the circus, and no one ever talked to me. Aside from the odd worker or clown running around, everyone was still in their pyjamas. They must have wandered across the field in the same way I did. The music continued to play as guests went in and out of tents. I considered seeing what was inside one of the tents, but the show was about to start.  
  
“Come one! Come all! Welcome to the The Night Brothers Circus! The show is about to begin! Monkeys, lions, daggers and the flying trapeze, you’ll see it all! Make your way to the big top and prepare to be amazed! The show is about to begin!” A loud voice boomed out from across the grounds, but there was never any sign of a loudspeaker. It was a formulated voice that belonged to no one in particular, I learned later.  
  
The main tent was by far the largest, that’s why they called it the “big top.” It was also the only circular one. The surrounding tents were all cubed. The menagerie was a long rectangle and was the second largest tent. It was put up a few yards behind the big top, and the artist tents were even farther behind that. The big top on that first night was just about full, seating over five hundred people. I saw my neighbour in the stands, but he didn’t notice me. I took a seat near the middle of the last bench. It was farther back, but also the highest up, so I still got a pretty good view of the show.  
  
There is a certain fascination you get when you see the love of your life for the first time. Maybe it’s not love in that first moment, but it is something. The first time I saw her was definitely something. There’s an unexpected warmth that comes across your skin, your stomach churns up a bit, and you can’t tear your eyes away. She stood up on the highest platform, and even from way up there her outfit sparkled. It was a body suit somewhere between silver and gold that could catch light from every angle. The skirt attached was short and a translucent champagne colour. She left her hair down, and it fell in soft brown waves over her shoulders and down her back. She was the most captivating part of the whole show, and her act hadn’t even started yet. She was going to jump. She was going to throw herself into the air high above everyone else but she didn’t look afraid at all. In fact, she looked excited. She bounced lightly on the balls of her feet and smiled at the girl across the ring on the platform opposite her. She trusted Sehee with her life, literally, but I suppose there were very few people in the world whom Yixin didn’t trust.  
  
Then she jumped, both of them did, but there was something about the way Yixin took off. Her take off was light, and she didn’t appear to be falling, but gliding before she took hold of the trapeze. They moved fluidly, with mid-air somersaults and trapeze switches, as well as grabbing hold of each other. Sehee was graceful and strong when she held Yixin up. No doubt the girl was talented at what she did, but I was always nervous when I watched her, fearing that she might slip or miss the trapeze one day and fall. Yixin seemed to float effortlessly throughout the entire routine. It was like she could fly, like she couldn’t fall even if she tried.  
She was absolutely captivating, and maybe it was in the rush of the night, but I knew that I had to know her. Somehow or another, I wanted to know her better, and I wanted her to know me too.  
  
After the show ended and everyone started to clear out of the tent, I ran around to the back where I presumed the artist tents were. It wasn’t a very well thought out plan, but in its own strange way, it worked. The biggest tent behind the big top was where all the animals were kept. I pushed the door flap open and went in. All the animals had already been returned to their cages. It was the only menagerie among the circuses of the time that did not allow visitors in. That was Lu Hua’s territory, her whole life was in that tent. A voice called from behind me, but I couldn’t understand. She was speaking French. I spun around quickly and found the lion trainer from earlier standing at the tent entrance. She was still in her performance outfit of knee high translucent striped stockings with a glittered black corset top and black shorts. Her red jacket was long enough to reach the hem of her shorts. Her dark brown hair was still pulled back in a tight ponytail and she wore black ballet slippers. She looked at me confused, and then spewed out more fast French. Then she gasped loudly and started to yell.  
  
“Lu Hua? What’s going on?” It was the first time I saw Yixin so close up. Her brown hair fell past her shoulders in soft waves and her dress still sparkled even without the bright lights of the big top. She had placed her hands on Lu Hua’s shoulders and looked around at me. Even from farther back her dark eyes looked just as soft as her voice sounded. She didn’t seem surprised to see me there. “I don’t think she’s here to steal the animals,” she whispered into Lu Hua’s ear, wrapping her arms around her middle. “You’re the only one crazy enough to get that close to a lion.” She giggled and pressed a gentle kiss to Lu Hua’s neck. Then she looked at me and my eyes darted to the dirt floor. I thought I was foolish to think that someone so beautiful didn’t have someone else already. “You were at the show,” she said, and it wasn’t a question. “Have you gotten lost?”  
  
“Um, yes, sorry,” I stumbled over my words and tried to focus my eyes back on her, but I saw the ceiling instead.  
  
“Do you want a tour?” She asked. I thought about saying no, that I should be headed home, but the entire thing still felt like a dream, so instead of going backwards, I decided to keep pushing forward.  
  
“That sounds nice,” I said. I managed to look back at them right as Yixin smiled brightly.  
  
“Great!” She exclaimed. “I’ll get Jongdae!” She spun around and ran out of the tent. She was so light on her feet, it almost seemed like she was floating, like she hovered longer than other people with every step she took. I watched her disappear, forgetting momentarily that Lu Hua was still there. She sighed and shook her head lightly with a smile.  
  
“Bienvenue,” she said.  
  
Lu Hua did all the animal acts. The lion, the horses, and the monkeys too. The only animal Lu Hua thought she was missing was an elephant. She was the only one who did those acts, there was no one better, no one even came close. They’d picked her up somewhere along the border of France and Spain. Chinese by ethnicity, she spoke only French to people she had just met. She made it appear like she could only speak one language, so if she didn’t like someone, she’d never have to talk to them again because they wouldn’t be able to communicate anyways. It was a lie though. Lu Hua didn’t just speak one language, she spoke seven. The animals came from all over, and she wanted to speak to them in their native tongues. She was never really in her right mind, but I guess that was what made her so good with the animals. She just wasn’t afraid of them, and they respected her. The horses followed her naturally and the monkeys clung to her like a mother. The lion was her best friend. But that wasn’t all she was good at. She also helped with the side tents. She created most of the stuff that went on in there, and was always trying to push her limits and come up with new things. She and Yixin were inseparable.  
  
Yixin came back a few minutes later with Jongdae in tow. He was a good young man who gave his life to that circus, even if he didn’t get much back. More often than not he was covered in dirt and his hair was a mess. He gave his all in even the worst of tasks because the circus had given him the one thing he went out searching for in the first place: a home where everyone could eat every night and no one got kicked to the curb.  
  
“I don’t usually give tours,” he said, wiping his neck and forehead with a towel and leaving it around his neck. “But I’ll do my best.”  
  
“Oh Jongdae!” Lu Hua called. He acknowledged her simply by looking in her direction. “Can you make sure Sébastien’s den gets cleaned today?” She never called them cages, even though that was what they were.  
  
“I’ll do my best,” Jongdae said. “It’s a little hard to clean that thing when there’s, you know, a full grown lion inside.”  
  
“Merci,” she chimed, giving him a smile.  
  
Jongdae gave a basic tour of the circus. “That’s the big top where the main show takes place, but you know that already. The smaller tents all contain something different, they’re pretty cool and they change often so you should check them out. Back there is the back yard where all the artist and crew tents are as well as Lu Hua’s menagerie. They’re all off limits and whatever you do, never go back into the menagerie, Lu Hua’s crazy. You heard her, she expects me to clean the cage with the lion still in it; it’s like she wants me dead. We spend two to five days in every town and only operate at night. We’re probably The Greatest Show on Earth, but no one knows it yet. That thing over there with the cigarette is my twin sister Baekhee. She’s not supposed to be smoking on the grounds, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go kick her ass. Tour dismissed.”  
  
Jongdae had three secrets. The first was that Baekhee wasn’t actually his sister. They had met along the tracks before the train came along, and Jongdae had made the story up to protect her from her actual past. The second was that he was Lu Hua’s rival. Whatever she did, Jongdae one upped her behind the scenes. And the third was that he was unmistakably, undeniably, and unconditionally in love with her.  
  
But perhaps the most peculiar thing he said all night when he was talking about the circus was: “When you wake up, you won’t remember any of us.”

 I don’t remember getting home that night, but the next morning I woke up in my own bed. My alarm went off at eight am just as it had every day before. The circus seemed fuzzy and far off, like it really was just a dream. But I remembered everyone there and I remembered what Jongdae had told me. No one in town mentioned the circus at all that day, so I didn’t either. I didn’t fall asleep that night either, and I decided not to change into my pyjamas. If I was going to hear that music play, I wanted to look decent in the very least. I picked out my favourite dress, a simple navy blue number with a white collar and belted at the waist. It was long sleeved for the cooler spring night. I even fitted a hat upon my head and curled my hair. When the clock hit midnight, I held my breath and waited. Quietly at first, and then louder as it travelled across the field and hit my ears, the music played. The music playing again confirmed to me that I hadn’t been dreaming, so I quickly slipped on my flat shoes and headed out across the field.  
  
I didn’t have to go back. I didn’t have to wait for the music or wear proper clothes or rush across the field as fast as I could. I could have left it as a vague memory and continued on with my life. Maybe it was because it was different, or maybe it was because I wanted to prove Jongdae wrong, or perhaps it was something else altogether, but I felt that I absolutely needed to go back. Besides, that was where the trapeze artist was, in all her beauty, and there was still so much more to learn. I was broke, everyone was, and I was certain that if your home was somewhere that was constantly moving, no one could take it away from you.  
  
I walked through the gates, giving the boy a smile as I went through. A different child every night, whoever wanted to take the job. I wandered the grounds for a bit, enjoying the night air and contemplating if maybe I should check out some of the other tents when I saw Jongdae. He appeared to be heading for the back yard so I called out his name. I waved at him when he turned around, but he didn’t wave back, instead he looked very confused. He took a quick look around before approaching me.  
  
“How do you know my name?” He asked, and then he smiled. “I don’t believe we’ve met before, ma’am.”  
  
“We met last night,” I said. “Although I don’t believe I ever gave you a name. I’m Kim Minseon.” I offered out my hand but his smile faded and he pressed his mouth into a line.  
  
“Excuse me,” he said, before turning and leaving hurriedly.  
  
He left me confused, but I attended the show again that night anyways. Everything was the same as the night before. Lu Hua with Sébastien was always captivating, and she always looked at home when she sat upon any of her horses. But no one looked more at home on anything than Yixin on her sky high platform. Her outfit glittered and her face glowed as she smiled at Sehee across from her. That night, Yixin took a look out at the audience before their act started and I swear that her eyes caught mine. They jumped, Sehee falling gracefully and Yixin flying with invisible wings.  
  
Immediately as I stepped out of the tent, I felt a hand grab my arm and I was pulled to the side. “Alright Miss US Navy Wife,” Jongdae whispered harshly at me. “I don’t know who’s pulling the strings for you, but I can take a couple educated guesses and Lu Hua is certainly not one of them, considering you broke into her animals’ tent last night and have returned again tonight with apparent recollection of the tale.”  
  
“Excuse me?” I asked.  
  
“You got a home?” He asked, quickly changing the subject.  
  
“Yes,” I replied.  
  
“You got a mom and pops?”  
  
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “My dad was military in the The Great War and-”  
  
“You got money to pay for that house?” He interrupted. Everyone there had a story, he didn’t really need to know mine.  
  
“No,” I said softly after a pause.  
  
“Well then,” he said, finally breaking his serious visage and cracking a smile. “Looks like you’ll be bunking with me and the sister! The tent’s a little small for three, but it’s homey. Follow me.” He didn’t give me much of a choice, pulling me along to behind the big top and into artist territory. The workers tents were further behind the artist tents and much smaller in size despite housing more people. “These are the worker’s tents,” he said. “Probably a lot shittier than your home, sometimes literally, but at least you don’t have to pay for them. And you got a job, something a lot of other people don’t have nowadays. Food is provided, but you gotta be there for it, because if you miss it, you get none, got that Doll?” I nodded just as he stopped in front of one of the tents. “Number five,” he said, pointing to the number above the entry. “Home sweet home.”  
  
Jongdae pushed the fabric aside and led me into the tent. All that was inside were three small cots and some extra clothes strewn around. The girl that Jongdae had pointed out as his twin sister the night before was sitting cross legged on the middle cot, a lit cigarette between her lips. She smiled and removed it from her mouth, blowing out a thin cloud of smoke.  
  
“C’mon Baek, that’s disgusting how many times have I told you not to smoke in here, you’re gonna burn the place to the ground.”  
  
“Do you smoke Minsoo?” She asked, ignoring her brother.  
  
“It’s Minseon actually, and no I don’t, but thanks.”  
  
Baekhee nodded. “Another uptight rich girl with some bad luck. You know how to pick ‘em Jongdae. She looks like the wife of a US Navy man.”  
  
“That’s what I said too!” He smiled at his sister and then reached in for a high five. “But I didn’t pick her.”  
  
“You telling me _Lu Hua_ did?” Baekhee asked, then let out a loud single laugh. When Jongdae shook his head, Baekhee slowly shut her mouth. “No shit,” she said, and looked directly at me with a surprised expression before her lips turned into a sly smile. She took another puff from her cigarette. “Well I’ll be damned.”  
  
“What?” I asked. “What’s going on?”  
  
Jongdae cleared his throat and sat down on the cot on the left side of the tent. “There’s a few things you should know,” he said.  
  
“First, breakfast is at eight pm.”  
  
“Eight _pm_?” I questioned. “Breakfast is at night?”  
  
“In case you haven’t noticed Army Wife, we only operate at night,” Baekhee said. Her hair was pulled back messily, tied up with some string. Sometimes, if it caught the sun just right, her hair glowed almost blonde, but that night, like most nights, it simply looked brown with no trace of her natural highlights. Her jeans were loose around her thighs and rolled up above her ankles, and more often than not she didn’t wear a bra under her t-shirts. _(“Bras aren’t made to work in because women aren’t made to work,” she’d said later. “I say, fuck that.”)_ All of her clothes looked like they belonged to Jongdae at one point.  
  
“You’ll sleep during the day, either in this tent or in the train car when we travel,” Jongdae continued. “If you miss breakfast, you get nothing, remember that. Most of us are up by six though to make sure we get a chance in the showers. Remember _that_. Then we set the entire place up; the big top, the side tents, and everyone has to help. The only things we hide in the daytime are our tents, the artist tents, and Lu Hua’s menagerie. We start the set up at eight thirty which means you get half an hour for breakfast. By eleven everything should be up and the artists should be getting ready and we should be making sure they have everything they need. The music starts playing one minute after midnight, the show starts at one and goes for an hour. Everyone should be out of the park by three, and then we take all the tents down and we’re in bed by five or six. You’ll get two more small meals throughout the night. Eat them quick. Any questions?”  
  
“Yes,” I said. “What do you mean by ‘hide’ our tents?”  
  
Jongdae smiles. “That part you can just leave for me.”  
  
“You don’t have to do anything tonight,” Baekhee said, standing up from the bed and taking one last inhale from her cigarette. “But tomorrow morning I’ll show you the ropes of everything. Us girls gotta stick together.” She winked and then headed outside the tent.  
  
“One last thing,” Jongdae said. “We’re not equal, us and them. They don’t eat with us, and they don’t get their hands splintered or their skin bruised setting this place up every day. They came here for a different reason too. But the crew? We aren’t special. We all joined the circus to die, to drown our old selves. You’ll probably be pretty different here too. In fact, you probably already are.” He was right. Already my schedule had been broken and my string of identical days had been cut and frayed. Later, my projection of myself had less to do with how I looked and more with how I acted. I could be covered in shit but people would still stick around me, because at least there they could acknowledge that they were also covered in shit. “We’re still expendable citizens, and they’re not. They’re the best, and they can’t be replaced. I just want you to remember that.”  
  
When he stepped out the tent, the room went dark. I hadn’t noticed that there was no lamp in the room, and yet it had been lit up until the moment Jongdae left. I stood in darkness for several minutes, wondering if I should go back out to the circus yards or lie down on my cot. It took a while for it to sink in that I was never going to see my white picket fence house again, but my American Dream had died long ago.  
  
I don’t know how long I had been standing there when I heard a small voice. “It’s dark,” the voice said, and I knew that voice. I had heard it before. Sometimes I think that I still hear it.  
  
She giggled and then a soft hand was clasping mine. “Are you scared?” She asked in the darkness. My words caught in my throat so I shook my head, thinking afterwards that she probably couldn’t see me either. But she spoke again. “Good,” she said. “Then I want to show you something.” She led me out of the tent, her hand still wrapped around mine. The amount of people left on the circus grounds at that point in the night who weren’t workers was very few, and they all seemed about ready to head back to bed. She walked slightly ahead of me, but even from the back she was beautiful. Her hair was down and falling past her shoulders, the spring breeze blowing pieces of it around. She was no longer wearing her stage outfit, but a purple silk nightgown the draped itself over her long body. “This one,” she said, breaking the silence and leading me into one of the small side tents. Darkness surrounded us again. I could feel her turn to face me in the darkness so she could grab my other hand as well.  
  
“I’m Yixin,” she said.  
  
“Yixin,” I whispered back.  
  
“Yeah, and I don’t know why, but you feel familiar.”  
  
“I was here last night too,” I said, and Yixin hummed in response.  
  
“I wish that were the reason you feel so familiar,” she said, trailing off. “What’s your name?”  
  
“Minseon,” I said.  
  
“Minseon,” she whispered back, and a shock went through the tips of my fingers, warming up the rest of my body. I thought, in that moment, that maybe Yixin felt a little familiar too. Maybe, there’s a certain kind of feeling you get when you touch the love of your life for the first time. Maybe your skin prickles or your heart beats faster. Maybe the room is suddenly too hot or maybe time is suddenly moving too slow. Or maybe it’s excitement and familiarity, because maybe, just maybe, you’ve met before, even though neither of you can remember it.  
  
The tent lit up as twinkling balls of gas appeared above us and the roof of the tent covered itself in stars. Nebulae past the Milky Way danced above us, swirling the artificial sky and dropping explosions of light within the small tent. It seemed bigger now though. The sky seemed to stretch endlessly with nothing to stop it or obstruct the view. Constellations drew themselves into the open dark spaces above us. “Oh my,” I breathed. “What—what is this?”  
  
“Do you like it?” Yixin asked. I looked down from the ceiling to find her smiling at me.  
  
“This,” I said, gripping her hands tighter and looking back up at the sky. “This is amazing!”  
  
“I’m glad,” she said, letting out a breath I didn’t realize she had been holding. “All of the smaller tents are really cool; even better than this. And they’re always changing.”  
  
“How? What kind of technology is this?” I asked with excitement.  
  
Yixin took a step closer. “Do you believe in magic?” She whispered.  
  
“What? No, that’s-”  
  
“Maybe you should,” she said quickly, and a piano started to play. It sounded as though someone was playing it in the room with us, but we were the only two in the tent. I didn’t know the song, but the notes flowed together beautifully and before I knew it I had started to sway in my spot, collisions of light and explosions of brilliance still above us. “Do you want to dance?”  
  
I stopped my movements and looked at her. She had a shy smile on her face and her eyes reflected the light above us. I realized I had been looking at the wrong stars the whole time. All I could do was nod. She took my right hand and placed it on her shoulder and her now empty hand fell to my waist. She continued holding my left hand, and then we danced, stepping side to side and turning around the room. Yixin seemed to glide in everything she did. It was effortless. Eventually, she pulled me in closer, and with her arms around my waist and mine around her neck, we started to sway slowly as the piano continued to play.  
  
Soon enough though, the music stopped. “Thank you,” she said, and she took my hand and led me back to Jongdae and Baekhee’s tent. They were still out helping with the cleanup.  
  
“I’ll make sure Jongdae leaves you a light next time,” she said, before she disappeared out the tent.  
  
  
  
  
  


**02\. Like Wildflowers in Summer (July 1934)**

  
“Hot as Hell out here this evening, ain’t it Navy Wife?” Baekhee took a second to stop pounding the peg into the ground to wipe her forehead. “I need a snipe so bad right now.”  
  
“It’s probably good that Jongdae hid them,” I said, panting. Despite the fact that the sun had already started to set, the air was still incredibly humid. “It can’t be good for you to be smoking so much, especially with all the work you do.”  
  
“You don’t understand Minnie,” she whined. “Listen, runaways and cigarettes go together like Bonnie and Clyde, right? We’re bad for each other but also so, _so_ good. God I feel like death, you can’t just take those away.”  
  
Baekhee, despite everything, became my best friend in those years. She was the one who got me out of my dress and into jeans that were a little too big but rolled up well, and tanks that she probably took from Jongdae. She taught me everything about the physical labour, the food, and the secret ins and outs of how the place was run. “Fine,” I said. “I’ll see if I can grab you one when we’re finished setting up.”  
  
“Thank you thank you _thank you_ Min you’re the best!”  
  
“Baekhee!” A female voice called from behind us. We turned around together and were greeted with a rare sight. Kyungah stood there with her arms crossed and her long black hair falling pin straight around her. Her lips were painted red and matched her long red blazer. She still wore her nightgown underneath, white and way too short, but she had put on her knee high, lace up black boots. It was the first time I had seen her up close. “I need you,” she said.  
  
“No thanks,” Baekhee scoffed. “I’d rather be out here pounding pegs into the ground and sweating out my ass than have you throw more daggers at me.”  
  
Kyungah and her partner Chanmi were what Baekhee referred to as “the Team of Death.” Kyungah was insane and Chanmi was in love, which Baekhee figured were kind of the same thing and that’s how they ended up together. “Don’t get between them,” she had said. “I’m serious, you might die.” Kyungah had the best aim I had ever seen when it came to throwing daggers. The way she flicked her wrist was so quick and precise, it sent the weapon shooting directly where she wanted it to go. She could kill someone if she wanted, and a lot of days she looked like she did, but she never would. And Chanmi stood there through everything. Chanmi was the one who stood up against the wall, daggers landing close to her body all over, but she never even flinched. In fact, she smiled. She grinned like an idiot every time, according to Baekhee. (“Don’t you mean she grins like a girl in love?” I had asked. “Ain’t they the same thing?”)  
  
“You can’t say no to me,” Kyungah said. “I need you.”  
  
“Throw daggers at Chanmi; that kind of thing is only fun for her.”  
  
Kyungah sighed. “I need you to line my eyes,” she said, annoyed. Then she added: “You’re the best at it.”  
  
“Thank you for acknowledging my greatness!” Baekhee said, raising her arms and giving a few turns.  
  
“You are an absolute imbecile and you’re lucky I have no daggers with me.”  
  
“Alright alright, I’ll be there as soon as I finish this.”  
  
“You can come now.” Kyungah turned her attention to me. “Yixin wants you,” she said. “She says you can drop what you’re doing and just go now too.” Then she looked up at the lot of men still hard at work. “Hey boys!” She called. “Cover for these ladies, will you?”  
  
“Baekhee’s not a lady!” Jongdae called from further across the lot.  
  
“Jongdae’s got a small dick!” Baekhee called back.

**-X-**

  
  
It wasn’t the first time in the past few months that Yixin had called me into her tent to help her with something before the show. Lu Hua was a constant presence there too. She also, thankfully, didn’t hold a grudge and constantly greeted me with smiles.  
“Yixin?” I called when I arrived outside her tent.  
  
“Come in!” Her voice called back to me. Three months after the dance and Yixin and I had barely had enough time alone for me to hold a decent conversation between the two of us. Lu Hua was always there. And I figured, for the longest time, that they were already a thing. They held hands and were always pressed incredibly close and laughing to themselves.  
  
Lu Hua stood in the center of Yixin’s tent, already dressed in her outfit. She was gently touching the small fascinator dolled with red feathers on her head out of habit of making sure it was still there. Then she adjusted her knee high translucent striped stockings and every piece of glitter on her black corset top was perfectly in place. Her black shorts fit her perfectly and she quickly threw her red jacket on as a last minute thought. Yixin had tied the bows on the back of Lu Hua’s black ballet shoes for her earlier and her short blonde hair had been curled. “Good evening,” she said with a smile. I returned the greeting. “I’ll be leaving now, I’m going to make sure Sébastien has been fed.”  
  
“I’ll see you later then,” Yixin said, blowing an air kiss that Lu Hua reached out and caught. Yixin’s tent was a lot fancier than the one I shared with the twins. There was a portable closet in her tent to hold her things, and she slept on a bed rather than a cot. Clothes didn’t litter the grass floor and there was a dark wood vanity with a mirror to the left side. Her sheets were of higher quality and the place smelled like Lilacs as opposed to cigarette smoke. Her tent was a light pink colour and she had strings of lights across the roof of the tent. Lu Hua had her own tent, but more often than not she seemed to be more of an accessory in Yixin’s. She had left quickly that day.  
  
“Does Lu Hua like me?” I asked. “Sometimes I can’t tell.”  
  
“Don’t worry, she thinks you’re cute,” Yixin giggled. “Can you do my hair for me again?” She was in the process of removing the curlers from her hair. “I want to be one of those renaissance princesses,” she said.  
  
“You say that like you aren’t one already,” slipped out of my mouth as Yixin moved to sit on her stool. She stopped and turned to me, a smile breaking across her lips. “I mean—because well—you’re--” I stuttered.  
  
“Thank you,” Yixin said softly, sitting down on her stool. She pulled another out from under her vanity and moved it behind hers. She tapped it as a signal for me to sit.  
  
“Isn’t it a little impractical?” I asked, sitting down behind her. She faced her mirror directly.  
  
“What is?” She asked.  
  
I reached forward and touched her curls. “Doing your hair different for every show. Doesn’t having it fully pulled back make it a little easier to do the jumps? Doesn’t your hair just get in the way?” I pulled lightly on a curl and watched it bounce back into place.  
  
“I could do that routine blindfolded,” Yixin said. I stood up and pulled together a chunk of curls on one side of her head, divided it into three and measured out their thickness before starting to braid. “Some hair around me is nothing.”  
  
“As long as you don’t fall,” I hummed, concentrating on making the braid perfect.  
  
“I never do,” she said. The room filled with silence after that and Yixin watched me in the mirror. When I finished the first braid, I switched to the other side, copying the first one identically. The silence was nice. It was refreshing with how loud the twins always were, and Yixin let me concentrate on her hair. It was always incredibly soft, and whether she had curled it or left it in its loose, natural waves, it always seemed to look perfect. The silence was quickly broken by some yelling outside the tent.  
  
“Jongdae!” Lu Hua was yelling. “Where is Sébastien’s food?” There was a pause. “Jongdae!” She yelled again, this time from farther away from Yixin’s tent.  
  
“I don’t know Lu Hua!” His voice was fainter with him being further away. “Why would I take Sebastian’s food? He’s a full grown lion, do I look like I have a death wish?”  
  
“It’s _Sébastien_ ,” she stressed. “God, learn some French!”  
  
Yixin smiled. “They’re always so loud,” she said.  
  
“Try living with Jongdae and Baekhee for a day,” I said as I finished off the second braid. I couldn’t help but smile fondly.  
  
“I’m glad you’re getting along with everyone.” Yixin smiled at me in the mirror. Then she took a deep breath, like she had gotten nervous for a moment. “Do you miss your home?” She asked.  
  
“What’s there to miss?” I pulled the braids together so they made a crown around her head and reached forward for another elastic which Yixin handed me.  
  
“Let me know,” she said. “If you ever do start to miss it.” Then she opened the top right drawer of her vanity and pulled out multiple small flower clips. “Can we use these too?” She asked. I played with her hair, moving some pieces of it in front of her shoulders and fluffing her curls.  
  
“Absolutely,” I said, taking them from her and placing several experimentally around her head. The only times I got to see myself in a mirror was whenever I was in Yixin’s tent doing her hair. My hair had gotten longer and was always messily tied back in the same way that Baekhee did hers. There was often some dirt on my face that I hadn’t been able to wash off before going into Yixin’s tent. She always did look like a princess compared to me. I looked more like the princess’ maid.  
  
“Do you miss yours?” I asked. “Your home, I mean.”  
  
Yixin smiled. “This is my home,” she said. “It’s all I’ve ever known. This is my family. They are the people I trust the most in the world. If I ever lost one of them, I don’t know what I would do. I care about these people more than anything.”  
  
Yixin grew up like wildflowers. From her first memories, she knew she was different. She could do things the other kids around her couldn’t do. She could light up rooms, and not in a metaphorical sense. She didn’t remember the house, but she remembered pretty dresses and sitting alone a lot. She would sit there quietly, and you had to be careful when you touched her, because she was sensitive to a lot of things. She had parents at one point, as every child does, but she couldn’t remember them. All she could remember was a dark haired man standing at her door. He had taken off his top hat and bowed to her. “Good evening,” he had said. “I want to offer you a home, one where people actually understand you. Your light is a good thing, and you’ll be able to do amazing things with it one day.” Yixin thought maybe there had been a fire that had swept through her home; that she was now a flower growing out of the ash. A small girl with a round face and blonde hair had popped her head out from behind the man’s leg. She looked at Yixin and said something to her in Chinese. Yixin had felt safe, even though she didn’t understand. She agreed to go with the man, who she learned later, didn’t age. And although he himself was stuck at twenty one, he helped her grow.  
  
Yixin admired herself in the mirror. “I like them,” she said, touching a few of the white flowers lightly. They had small diamonds on them that glittered under the lights when she turned her head certain ways.  
  
“I like them too,” I said, then, after some hesitation, “you look beautiful. Like a princess.” She stood up and pushed her stool behind her, stepping in and leaving very little distance between us.  
  
“Maybe we should do yours too,” she said, pulling on the string in my hair. The knot came undone and my hair fell around my shoulders. “It’s getting long like mine,” she commented.  
  
“You don’t have to,” I said. “My hair is dirty from the work.”  
  
She leaned her face down and my breath hitched in my throat. “You still look beautiful to me,” she said. A smile broke across her face. “You’re also incredibly cute,” she said with a giggle, and I could make a pretty good guess that I was blushing. “We’ll just fix it then,” she said, running her fingers through my hair and pulling it back up.  
  
Lu Hua walked back into the tent then. “Yixin I swear I—oh,” she cut herself off. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t realize you were, uhm, doing hair,” she said, waving her hands around as though she were gesturing to the entire situation. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave!”  
  
“What?” I questioned.  
  
“Don’t worry,” she whispered. “I’ll leave.” She followed up with some rapid fire Chinese in Yixin’s direction before backing out of the tent.  
  
“What did she say?” I asked, and Yixin giggled and shook her head.  
  
“It’s not important,” she said, tying the string tightly in my hair. “There, that looks a little better.” She moved away slightly to admire her work.  
  
“Was there anything you needed help with?” I asked. She was staring, and my eyes flickered to the ground. Even the grass in her tent looked better than in mine.  
  
“No,” she said softly. She looked like she wanted to say more, but all she said was, “you can go now. I’m sure they need your help.” She smiled at me as I left. Yixin was almost always smiling though.  
  
  
  
  
  


**03\. The Man Who Didn’t Age (September 1934)**

  
It must have been no later than two or three in the afternoon when he appeared in the tent. I don’t know long he had been sitting there, but I had guessed that it wasn’t too long.  
  
“Kim Minseon,” he said. Despite the fact that it was mid-afternoon, the tent was completely dark. No light entered at all. I could see his silhouette and felt the dip in my bed next to me where he sat, but that was all I caught of him. “I am terribly sorry for not coming to introduce myself earlier,” he said. His voice was of a higher pitch, but he kept it low. “I travel around a lot, you see. You have been here for how long now, about five months, correct?”  
  
“Yes,” I said, sitting up in the darkness.  
  
“We are very happy to have you as a part of our family,” he said. His top hat appeared to be tilted down over his face even the darkness and he sat facing the side of the tent, back turned to everyone. “I have noticed though, that Yixin seems to have taken a liking to you.” For someone who had come in to introduce himself, he hadn’t yet. “Although I cannot quite fathom why. You do not seem incredibly interesting, my dear.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
“Leave her alone, Tao,” Jongdae’s voice came in stern from across the tent.  
  
“Oh, Jongdae, you are awake.” He spoke to Jongdae, but didn’t turn to face him.  
  
“What are you doing in here?” Jongdae asked.  
  
“I simply came to meet the new recruit.”  
  
“Well now you’ve met her. Get out, before we wake up Baekhee.”  
  
“Oh,” Tao said, a smirk pulling across his face in the darkness. “I don’t think she will.”  
  
“What did you do?” Jongdae voice was low and sharp.  
  
“Nothing,” Tao said with a small laugh. “She will wake up in the evening just fine. I cannot understand why you are still here, Jongdae,” he continued. “You could have your own tent.”  
  
“My answer stays the same,” Jongdae said. “I don’t want to be in your show.”  
  
“And this is all for her?” Tao asked inquisitively. “You stay in this too cramped tent to stay with her?”  
  
“She’s my _sister_ ,” Jongdae stressed.  
  
“No, she is not.”  
  
“What?” I asked, shocked.  
  
“Jongdae keeps secrets, my dear, and lots of them.”  
  
“All I want to do is protect her.” Jongdae’s voice was weaker than before. “This is all I can do.”  
  
“When you get tired, come and see me,” Tao said as he stood up. “It was nice to finally meet you Minseon. I have heard a lot about you, but I still fail to see what she sees in you. You are just human.” With that he walked out the tent, and the daylight began to filter back in.  
  
“Don’t listen to him,” Jongdae said, getting out of his bed and moving to Baekhee’s. “He’s been in this world for far too long now.” He rested a hand on her forehead and then her cheek. She made a small noise in her sleep and Jongdae smiled.  
  
“She’s not your sister.” It came out more of a statement than a question. “You’re not twins? Are you even related at all?”  
  
Jongdae looked up at me. “No,” he said after a pause. “We’re not. But this is for her own protection, so don’t you dare tell anyone. No one needs to figure out where she actually came from. She’s enough like a sister to me anyways. Gets on my nerves all the time but I still love her, I gotta.” He turned to look at the entrance of the tent. “You can come in,” he called, and Yixin pushed the fabric aside and walked in, smiling sheepishly.  
  
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said.  
  
“Yeah well I don’t think any of us can now.”  
  
“Did he do anything?” Yixin looked like she was almost scared to know the answer. Jongdae shook his head.  
  
“We’re all fine,” he said. “I’m going to go take a walk though, need some air and some daylight.” Yixin nodded at him and he walked out the tent, leaving Yixin and I with a still fast asleep Baekhee.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Yixin said.  
  
“I’m not sure why you’re apologizing.”  
  
Yixin made her way over to my cot and sat down next to me. “It’s not that he’s bad,” she said. “He’s just a little difficult sometimes. A little overwhelming. We always know when he comes around too. It’s like a weird signal goes off and we know he’s on the grounds or in the train with us. We know because we’re the same as him, but different than everyone else, and he never lets us forget it.” She sighed. “And of course he knows why you’re here. He knows you didn’t just hop on the train like some of the others did.”  
  
“Why _am_ I here?” I asked. “Why did Jongdae grab me on my second night?”  
  
Yixin played with the thin sheet that was over my legs. “You were supposed to forget,” she said finally. “The audience thinks they watch us but we watch them too, and I saw you that first night, watching so intently. It was the most exciting jump I ever made. After the show I could hear Lu Hua yelling in French, which was odd, she hasn’t done that in a long time. When I went in to the menagerie, you were there too. You were so close and so beautiful that I just didn’t want you to forget me. I wanted to leave an impression. I wanted to know you.”  
  
All I could do was nod, but everything she had said echoed exactly what I had felt too.  
  
“I’m different,” she stressed. “Some things, they feel different. You feel different. Like every time I touch you my fingers burn but I don’t want it to stop. I’m oddly drawn to you.”  
  
I nodded again and it was silent for a few minutes before Yixin stood up. “I guess I’ll be headed back now,” she said. I reached out to grab her arm quickly.  
  
“Wait,” I said, and she looked at me expectantly. “Me too.”  
  
“You too,” she whispered back. I tugged lightly on her arm and she sat back down on the bed.  
  
“That ain’t magic,” Baekhee mumbled from her bed. “That warmth you feel? That’s not magic Yixin. That’s love, and that’s human.” She pulled the covers over her head and fell back asleep. My throat went dry.  
  
“Minseon?” Yixin looked down at her hands and grabbed the sheet, playing with the thin fabric between her fingers. “Can I—well, um, can I—kiss you now?”  
  
“Yeah,” I whispered, already leaning forward. Yixin looked up and suddenly her face was right in front of mine. She leaned the rest of the way in, closing the distance and pressing her lips against mine. She tasted like Yixin. I can’t describe it in any other words. And when she smiled against my lips, I knew that Baekhee was right, even though it took me forever to finally say it.

**04\. Long Nights and Bright Lights (December 1934)**

  
My first New Year’s with The Night Brothers’ was the best I had had in years. I hadn’t really had anyone to spend New Year’s with for years, aside from the neighbours in my small town, but they weren’t the most exciting. Chanmi and Lu Hua were in charge of making the fireworks. We were somewhere in the mid-west, tens of miles from the next town, and snow covered the ground. I stood in the field with Baekhee, the both of us having borrowed some of Jongdae’s bigger sweaters. It was still cold though, and I stood there bouncing on my toes and rubbing my arms trying to keep warm.  
  
“Two minutes!” Jongdae called, and everyone cheered. Lu Hua grabbed Chanmi and they ran off together towards the tents.  
  
“Park Chanmi if you set anything on fire I _will_ stab you,” Kyungah called out. “So be careful!”  
  
“Don’t worry babe, I’m really good at carefully blowing things up!” Chanmi called back. Kyungah smiled to herself.  
  
Yixin came up behind me, placing her hands on my upper arms. “Cold?” She asked. I nodded. Her hands were incredibly warm even through the sweater. “I’ll warm you up,” she said.  
  
“What about me?” Baekhee whined.  
  
“Go find your own magic fairy, this one is mine,” I said, and she pouted at me. Yixin laughed behind me and wrapped her arms around me completely, pulling me into her chest.  
  
“Count it down! 10! 9!” Jongdae called, his voice getting drowned out as everyone joined in.  
  
_8! 7!_ Jongdae appeared beside Baekhee, whispering something in her ear.  
  
_6! 5!_ Baekhee responded with a mischievous smile and a curt nod.  
  
_4! 3! 2!_ Yixin’s warmth penetrated through my sweater as she wrapped her arms tighter.  
  
_1!_ “Happy New Year!” Everyone shouted, and the fireworks went up. Bright bursts of silver and gold, lit up the sky and twinkled amongst the stars before fizzing out. I turned around in Yixin’s arms and reached up to pull her down for a kiss.  
  
“Wooooooo yeaahhhh!” Jongdae hollered, pumping his fist in the air.  
  
“Take her clothes off!” Baekhee yelled and I laughed against Yixin’s lips.  
  
“Later,” Yixin whispered into my mouth, her fingers fire on my skin as they slipped under the sweater. I didn’t even notice how fast Jongdae slipped away into the darkness.

**(January 1935)**

  
Shortly after Lu Hua and Chanmi’s silver and gold fireworks ended, another few erupted. The girls were walking back to the group when the first one went off. Bright red and white and shaped like Lu Hua’s lion. It was followed by a monkey, a galloping horse, and an elephant. Then the sky was lit up again by one in the shape of the big top, two more traditional fireworks going off behind the big top.  
  
“What the Hell?” Lu Hua yelled, only to be drowned out by everyone’s cheers and the explosions in the sky. The final explosions spelled out _Happy New Year_ brightly in the sky before the sparks fizzled away. Chanmi raised her hands above her head and applauded towards the sky.  
  
“What a show,” I heard Jongdae say from his spot next to his sister.  
  
“Simply amazing,” she said, and they shared a low five between the two of them. Then he bent down and grabbed a handful of snow. He turned away from us, and when he turned back around, the snow had been perfectly shaped into an ice flower. He made his way over to Lu Hua.  
  
“Hey,” he said from behind her, making her jump and turn around. He held the flower out towards her.  
  
“What’s this?” She asked.  
  
“A consolation prize,” was his response.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Happy New Year Lu Hua.”  
  
“Yeah,” she said, taking the ice flower from his hands. “Happy New Year Jongdae.”

 

 

**05\. When We’re Young We Can Fly (But We Trip on Clouds ‘Cause We Get too High) (June 1935)**

  
  
  
  
There were many nights where I would wake up in a new place; a new town that we would camp out in for the next few days or so. And then there were some nights where I would wake up in a bed that wasn’t mine, with Yixin’s arms wrapped protectively around me or her body on top of mine placing soft kisses over my face. It was an evening in June when I woke up to the latter. “Good morning,” she said.  
  
“I think you mean good night,” I said, still half asleep. She leaned down and giggled into my neck before rolling off me.  
  
“Lu Hua says she has something to show us.”  
  
“And what’s that?” I hummed.  
  
“I don’t know,” she said. “But I think we’re about to find out.”  
  
“Stop kissing I’m coming in!” Lu Hua called from outside the tent at that moment. Knowing when Lu Hua was around was like a sixth sense to Yixin. She didn’t wait for a response before letting herself in. “I want you guys to see it first,” she said. “Come on!” She was smiling widely and bouncing lightly.  
  
We got up begrudgingly. Lu Hua had woken us up earlier than the rest of the circus to get the first look at what she had been working on since earlier in the afternoon. She led us out into the yard where several of the side spectacle tents were still up. Over excited, she was several steps ahead of us and arrived at the tent first. She continued to bounce in place as she waited for us to approach. She was first in the tent too, running to the middle and spinning around with her arms in the air. The tent was a lot bigger on the inside than it looked from the outside. “Winter!” She said. “In summer!”  
  
The temperature inside the tent was no different from the temperature outside, but small white snowflakes fell around us. A path cut through the snow that covered the floor to prevent visitors’ feet from getting cold and wet. “Go ahead,” Lu Hua said excitedly, gesturing to the snow around us. “Touch it!”  
  
Yixin and I bent down to touch the snow on the ground. “It’s cold,” I said.  
  
“It’s real snow,” Yixin said amazed, picking up a handful and bringing it to her mouth. She took a bite and smiled. “You’ve got it perfect!”  
  
Lu Hua nodded enthusiastically. “Come here,” she said. “There’s more.” At the center of the tent, the main path broke off into a smaller path to the left, which she turned down. We followed her and tall flowers made of ice sprouted up from the ground next to us. Each one reached up to about my waist.  
  
“Ice flowers?” I asked, and Lu Hua gave another enthusiastic nod.  
  
“You can pick them,” she said, so Yixin and I both reached down to pick one. The ice was cold, but instantly melted into our hands, transforming into a real flower. I held a large yellow gerbera daisy in my hand and Yixin held a purple one. A new ice flower sprouted up quickly from the spot we had picked ours from.  
  
“Oh wow!” Yixin exclaimed, quickly reaching down to pick several more. They transformed into different coloured daisies in her hands. When she had a full bunch of the tall flowers in her hands, she turned around and offered them to me. “For you,” she said sweetly. The snow continued to fall around us and she took several steps closer to me. I took them from her and buried my nose into the flowers.  
  
“They even smell good,” I said. “Thank you Yixin, they’re beautiful.”  
  
“Hey I made those,” Lu Hua said, but she was ignored when Yixin closed the distance between us and leaned in for a quick kiss.  
  
“Not as beautiful as you,” she whispered, before kissing me again.  
  
“Ok I didn’t make this so you two could be gross in here. Get out of my tent!” Lu Hua said, pulling us apart.  
  
“I’m going to run to the showers before anyone else gets them. Come get me later when you need your hair done,” I said to Yixin. “And thanks again for the flowers.” Then I turned to Lu Hua. “This is great, really. I’m sure visitors will love it.”  
  
“Thank you!” Lu Hua said, with a clap of her hands. “I think it’s my best so far!”  
  
  


**-X-**

  
  
It wasn’t more than a day later when Lu Hua stood outside a different tent, surprised and a bit angry. “Who did this?” She yelled. “Was it you?” She asked, pointing to Sehee as she walked past.  
  
“Why are you talking to me?” Sehee asked, unamused before continuing on her way. Lu Hua let out a loud groan.  
  
“What’s going on?” I asked when Yixin and I walked up to her.  
  
Lu Hua groaned again and draped herself dramatically over her best friend. “Yixin,” she said. “Why do I feel like someone is out to get me? Like everything I do they have to do one better?”  
  
“What’s in the tent?” Yixin asked.  
  
“See for yourself,” she said, pulling back and waving a dramatic hand towards the tent she was now unable to look directly at.  
  
As we entered, the twins were making their way out. “A cloud maze,” Jongdae said.  
  
“Pretty swell,” Baekhee said. She lowered a hand between them and Jongdae low fived her. They grinned and walked out.  
The entire floor of the tent was white and fluffy, but we were still able to walk on it. It felt like we were walking on clouds that we couldn’t fall through. In the center of the room, the clouds went up from the floor in different platforms that moved slowly from side to side. They wound high into another layer of clouds that spread out across the ceiling. The top of the tent was non-existent from the bottom looking up. Not only were we able to walk on the clouds, but they also had some bounce to them. Yixin went first, bouncing across the cloud floor with ease. She moved easily through the air just as she did for her trapeze acts. I struggled to move as easily as she did, but she waited at the center for me to catch up.  
  
“It doesn’t look much like a maze,” I said.  
  
Yixin looked up and then back to me. “You don’t think we can get lost up there?” Then she jumped up to one of the first platforms. “Let’s go!” She called excitedly, waving me up. Less elegantly, I grabbed the platform and pulled myself up onto it. “Let’s jump to that one together,” she said, taking my hand and pointing up to one of the moving platforms with her free hand.  
  
“But it’s moving,” I said. “I’m not as light on my feet as you, I can’t fly.”  
  
“Neither can I!” She said excitedly. “Jump!” I did, and we bounced up to the moving platform. I was unsteady on the landing but Yixin made sure I didn’t fall. The clouds moved out around us as the maze now went sideways as well as up. They formed narrow pathways around us and Yixin pulled me into one. We walked for a bit before we hit a dead end and had to turn back to a different cloud path. Two or three times, Yixin forwent going back, and instead just jumped up onto a platform above us. They continued to move, gradually changing the upward path.  
  
“How are we supposed to get down?” I asked after we had maneuvered the pathways and climbed higher for a while.  
  
“You jump!” We heard Jongdae call. “And do it quick because Yixin needs to get ready for tonight’s show!”  
  
We stepped to the edge of the platform and looked down. “Jongdae?” I called. All I could see beneath us were thick clouds of white.  
  
“Yeah!” He called back. “I’m down here! Just jump, you’ll be fine, trust me!”  
  
I looked to Yixin, unconvinced, but she was the opposite. “Ready?” She asked.  
  
“No?” I said, appalled.  
  
“Don’t worry,” she said, stepping in towards me. “I’ve still got you.” She raised our clasped hands to prove her point. Then she leaned in for a quick kiss. “I’ve always got you.” She stole another kiss then tugged me towards the edge. I jumped when she did, and we fell through the clouds at an even pace. It tickled a little, falling through them, but it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, and we landed with a small bounce on the cloud floor.  
  
“How was it?” He asked with a smile. “I heard it was pretty cool.”  
  
“It was,” Yixin agreed. “Do you by chance know who made this?”  
  
Jongdae shook his head. “That would ruin the fun,” he said with a grin.  
  


 

 

**06\. All I Want is What I Had (April 1936)**  


  
April of 1936 marked my two year anniversary with the circus, and Yixin presented me with a special cake that she and Lu Hua had conjured up together. Jongdae and Baekhee were there to celebrate as well. “Congratulations on making the best decision of your life!” Baekhee said, throwing up pieces of confetti that Jongdae had made for her earlier. I smiled and thanked them but felt distracted throughout that entire night. It had hit me then that it really had been two years already since I had left home. I had grown closer to Yixin, even fallen in love with her despite still having failed to tell her, and Jongdae, Baekhee, and I had become almost inseparable during tent set up and take down as well as meals. Baekhee and I had begun showering together a year before in order to avoid the lineup of men also waiting.  
  
_This is my family,_ Yixin had said before, and those words occupied my mind. I wondered if this was my family too. Would I always be at the circus? Would all of us always be here together? How long was it actually going to last? The circus was all Yixin knew, it was all she could remember. But I had known my parents, even if I hadn’t known my father well, and both were taken too soon and too suddenly. If that family couldn’t last, how could this one?  
  
I went back with the twins to our shared tent that night instead of staying with Yixin like she had suggested.  
  
“Hey Navy Wife.” Baekhee pulled me from my thoughts with a call of her old nickname for me. “You good?” She asked.  
  
“I’m fine, why?”  
  
She shrugged. “You just seem a bit off.”

**(November 1936)**  


  
Winter came in fast and hard that year. The temperature dropped quickly and it would only drop more before it went back up again in the spring. It was harder to work in the deep snow, but the show must go on. The hard work kept us warm enough in the evening, but it was harder to pass the time during the nights when darkness fell as fast as the temperature. Jongdae kept our tent and the running water warm and he always made sure Baekhee and I had a sweater or jacket on, but I missed having a permanent home. One that was always warm and protected me from the blowing snow and brutal winds. One I didn’t have to worry about collapsing in on me even though no tent ever did. One with a fireplace you could sit in front of all day with a book. No need to go outside. One with an actual family.  
  
“Something is bothering you,” Yixin whispered into my ear one night. Her body provided warmth against mine as the wind howled outside.  
  
“No,” I said. “I’m fine.”  
  
Yixin sighed. “In two years I have come to know you well enough to know when something is bothering you Minseon. You can’t lie to me.”  
  
“What is a family?” I asked quietly after much hesitation.  
  
“Family? They’re the people you care about most in the world. The ones who will be by your side through anything, and they don’t have to be related by blood. Lu Hua is my family, all the artists are. Jongdae and Baekhee too. They’re the ones who stay when others leave. Even Tao, he raised me and gave me a home. That’s a family to me. And you,” she added after. “I love you. And I know I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again just as long as you always know it. I love you.”  
  
“I know,” I said, snuggling closer into her. I still hadn’t said it back, I don’t know what was stopping me, but I couldn’t quite do it yet.  
  
“Thanks,” I whispered into the night.

**-X-**  


  
  
It was about two weeks later when Jongdae woke me up early. He held a finger up to his lips, silently telling me to stay quiet, and nodded towards a sleeping Baekhee. I got up quietly and followed him out the tent.  
  
“We have something for you,” he said once outside. The early evening air was calm and the sun was shining. It was a beautiful day compared to most we had been having that winter, but the temperature was still low.  
  
“What’s the occasion?” I asked. Jongdae shook his head.  
  
“Just because we love you,” he said. “Just because you’re family.” I stared at his back as he walked in front of me. He led me to a side tent that hadn’t been there when I had gone to bed. Lu Hua stood outside, looking incredibly sleepy, but she managed a smile anyways.  
  
“If Yixin loves you, then so do I,” she said and pulled me in for a hug.  
  
“What’s going on?” I asked, starting to become concerned. Jongdae pushed aside the tent entrance and gestured for me to go in first.  
  
The inside of the tent was narrower than it appeared from the outside and was one long hallway. Lining the walls were full sized mirrors. Yixin stood in the middle, her reflections staring back at her. She smiled. “I have something for you,” she said. “Because I want you to be happy always.”  
  
“I am happy,” I said, walking towards her. “Yixin, what’s going on?”  
  
“After a few trial and errors we’ve managed to get this to work,” Jongdae said, standing next to a mirror. “Check this out.” I walked towards the mirror and noticed that my reflection was different. My hair was short again and it was curled nicely. In the mirror, I was wearing an ankle length blue dress, almost identical to the one I wore for my second visit to the circus. There was not a speck of dirt on me. It wasn’t me I was looking at.  
  
“This is…” My voice trailed off as I reached forward slowly. My fingers came in contact with the mirror, but continued to slip through. I pulled my hand back instantly. “What is this?”  
  
“You want a family again, right?” Yixin asked. “I’m going to give it to you.” She smiled sadly, then she gave me a light push forward. “Step through,” she said.  
  
“If, by chance, you find you want to come back to us, you’ll find the way,” Jongdae said. Yixin took a deep breath behind me, then gave me one hard shove forward.  
  


  
**(Unknown 19??)**  


  
He was there, smiling at me fondly. He probably always did, but I couldn’t remember that smile. The house looked like always had, not a thing out of place.  
  
“Hey kid,” he said. His voice was deep and he towered over me. He brought a hand down and ruffled my hair.  
  
“Welcome home!” A voice called from the kitchen.  
  
He looked towards the kitchen and smiled when my mother appeared in the doorway. Her brown hair had probably just been removed from its bun so it could frame her face in a pretty way. “Junmi, my love,” he cooed. “You always look so gorgeous, and dinner smells delicious.”  
  
“Dad?” I asked, but my voice didn’t sound like it belonged to me.  
  
He turned to me with that smile, always the same smiled. “Yeah kiddo?”  
  
“What day is it?” I asked.  
  
He spoke, but his words came out fast and slurred and I couldn’t understood what he said.  
  
“I can’t understand,” I said, but he was already sweeping my mother into his arms and kissing her. I moved into the kitchen. There was always a calendar on the wall, and it was there then too. But when I tried to read the month and year, they were smudged completely. I flipped it to the next page and was able to read at least the year there. _19??_ was what it said.  
  
We sat around the table for dinner, my mother and father talking and laughing animatedly. The food had no taste, but they seemed to enjoy it.  
  
“Honey, business is booming!” My father exclaimed. “This economy has been so good since the war ended!” The war had already ended, but my father sat next to me at the dinner table, which meant that he had come back alive. But no one can bring back the dead. I realized very quickly that this wasn’t a family, it only looked like one. Still, my heart felt warm when my father kissed my forehead and tucked me in to bed that night.  
  
I woke up the next day to my mother screaming. “Why did you leave?” She yelled.  
  
“I came back, didn’t I?” I heard my father’s voice say.  
  
“No,” my mother sobbed. “This isn’t you, you’re not the same.” I got out of my bed and walked into the living room.  
  
“Good morning,” I said, and my father visibly flinched.  
  
“Oh,” he said. “It’s just you.”  
  
“You’re always scared,” my mother said. “Why are you always scared? Why do you cry at night when I’m right there next to you? Why do you wake up screaming?”  
  
“You have no idea what I’ve been through, Junmi. You can’t understand.”  
  
“I went years without you! Worrying that you might not come back! I raised this child by myself!”  
  
“You don’t get it Junmi!” My father yelled, and my mother shut her mouth.  
  
“You are so different now,” she said quietly before walking out of the room. My father ran a hand through his hair and sighed.  
Later in the day they fought about which flowers should be planted in the garden in spring. Then they fought about whether or not the fence needed a touch up on the paint. Had they always fought so much over small things?  
  
No one spoke that night at dinner.  
  
After I woke up the next morning, the radio report came in about the stocks crashing. My parents smiled like nothing was wrong, but that night, they fought again.  
  
The money went quickly, time was moving too fast. It was the very next day that I found my mother crying in the kitchen. “I’m so sorry,” she cried, falling to her knees in front of me and grabbing the hem of my dress. “We have no food.” My father sat in the other room quietly staring at nothing in particular. He was having trouble functioning, every loud noise scared him, and the silence wasn’t much better. My parents were falling apart, even though the family was still physically together. I realized in those few days how empty my bed felt without Yixin, and how I missed Jongdae and Baekhee bickering before they fell alseep on the nights I was in our tent. This home was so big that it felt empty. This wasn’t the family I wanted, my parents were in too much pain. They didn’t have to live this way, they shouldn’t have to live this way. It took me two hours and a lot of tears to fall asleep that night. _I want to go home,_ I thought. Because although it was my house and my parents were there, it wasn’t home. It was shattered glass someone had tried to tape back together.  
  
When I entered the kitchen the next morning, I saw a flyer on the table.  
  


 

 

 

 

_The Ringling Bros.  
See the greatest show on Earth!  
2 days only!_  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“The circus is in town,” my mother said from the doorway.  
  
“I’m going to go,” I told her, and she nodded.  
  
Quickly, I got dressed and went outside, running down the street to where the tents were set up.  
  
_If, by chance, you want to come back, you’ll find a way._ Running excitedly past the unmanned admission gate. There were lots of people around and several tents. After some looking around, I found one named _Hall of Mirrors_ and I knew that was the one. I went in quickly, Yixin’s voice, face, and fairy like trapeze jumps flooding my thoughts. “I’m coming home,” I said quietly to myself.

  
The inside of the tent was not fancily done, and it was the same size inside as it was on the outside. The mirrors took different shapes in order to make you look different sizes. There was no magic involved, but there was one flat mirror that was a bit different. When I looked at my reflection, my hair was longer and pulled back in a messy ponytail. I was wearing one of Jongdae’s sweaters and a pair of jeans that were covered in dirt stains. When I reached forward to touch the glass, my fingers slipped through. I took a deep breath and walked through the mirror.  
  
  


**(November 1936)**

  
Yixin was sitting on the floor of the tent. She looked up at me with wide eyes. “You’re back,” she said in disbelief. “You’re back!” She said again, this time with excited laughter. She jumped up and ran towards me. “But why? Why did you-” She spoke quickly and was waving her hands excitedly. I grabbed her wrists to calm her down, entwining our fingers and stepping closer.  
  
“Family doesn’t have to mean blood,” I said. “This is it, this is a family. And you’re my girlfriend. And I love you. And I never want to be without you again.”  
  
A wide smile broke across her face and she leaned in quickly for one, two, three kisses. “I love you too, but you knew that already.” I leaned up to kiss her again.  
  
“Oh my god!” Lu Hua’s yelling broke us apart. “Minseon!” Jongdae appeared next, followed by an ecstatic Baekhee who ran straight towards me for a crushing hug.  
  
“Minseon,” she cooed, rubbing her face into my neck. “I missed you. It’s so hard working with all boys again. I was used to having a girl around.”  
  
“How long was I gone?” I asked.  
  
“A few days,” Jongdae said. “But don’t worry, you haven’t missed much.”

 

 

 

**07\. My Love Will Protect You and Never Let Go (March 1937)**  


  
Yixin, although captivating, fascinating and full of mysterious and magical surprises, was still human, and sometimes humans slip.  
  
It was still cold in March, and Jongdae, Baekhee, and I sat around a fire while the artists went through their pre-show rehearsal. The twins sang Fred Astaire songs and I listened along, swaying back and forth. The sun had already set and the fire kept us warm as the temperature slowly started to drop for the night. We had already finished eating and were taking some time to ourselves after getting everything ready for the show that night. It was calming, and one of my favourite ways to spend our free time.  
Jongdae’s verse was interrupted by Chanmi running out of the big top and calling for a doctor. “Please!” She cried. “Someone needs to run into town for a doctor!”  
  
Jongdae stood up immediately. “What’s going on?” He asked.  
  
“It’s Yixin. She fell.”  
  
“What do you mean she fell?” I asked.  
  
“Off the trapeze!” Chanmi’s hands flailed wildly. “The jump, she missed or slipped or something but she _fell_.”  
  
_That’s impossible,_ I thought. _Yixin couldn’t fall even if she tried._ But Jongdae was off, running towards the big top with Baekhee jumping up and stumbling behind him. Chanmi disappeared back into the tent.  
  
It took a moment, but I stood up and made my way slowly to the tent, afraid of what I might see when I got inside. I was pretty sure that most nights, there was no net under them when they jumped. It added to the effect and the thrill of danger. Yixin would have fallen straight to the ground. I walked into the tent as Jongdae was moving people away.  
  
“Alright, alright,” he said. “Back up everyone give her some space.” The crowd cleared a bit, giving me a straight view of Jongdae bending down by Yixin’s body, crumpled up on the floor. Lu Hua was there, with a hand over her mouth and fear in her eyes. Sehee was there too, having rushed down from her platform. She was crying, choking back sobs and trying to tell Jongdae what happened.  
“She didn’t even reach me,” she choked out. “She was falling before I could catch her.”  
  
It was the only time in her life Yixin fell from the trapeze, and I realized that she was still human, no matter how special of one she may be. Her illusion broke, along with several of her bones.  
  
That night was also the second time I saw Tao. He sauntered into the tent, hat tipped low as always. He moved smoothly towards Yixin, and Jongdae stood up and moved away. Tao crouched down where Jongdae had just been, and then he spoke.  
  
“My dear child,” he said. “It seems you have made a mistake. How very rare.” He ran a hand through her hair and rested it on her neck. “But you have been saved,” he mused, moving his hand to run it across the floor. Then he looked up at the crowd. “Who did this?” He asked.  
  
Lu Hua took a step forward. “I couldn’t catch her,” she said, head bowed. “It was the best I could do in a split second.”  
  
Tao picked Yixin up and rose to his feet. “You have saved her life,” he said. “She is forever indebted to you, but I will take it from here.” He made his way back towards the entrance of the tent, an unconscious Yixin in his arms, and stopped next to me. “Go to her tent tomorrow evening,” he said. “She will like that. Although I cannot understand why.” He didn’t look at me as he spoke, and continued out of the tent immediately afterwards. Although he had been alive for so long, there was a lot about people he continued to not understand.  
  
Lu Hua let out a breath once Tao exited the tent and Jongdae made his way over to her. “Hey,” he said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “You did well.”  
  
“Thanks,” she said, lightly punching his arm.  
  
Lu Hua, Jongdae revealed later, had quickly and successfully altered the minerals in the ground to give Yixin a softer landing. It couldn’t protect her completely, but it did serve its purpose in protecting her life.  
  
The next evening after waking up I went straight to Yixin’s tent. She was sitting up in her bed, and she smiled at me when I walked in. Her left wrist and hand and left ankle were in casts. “I don’t know what happened,” she said before I could say anything. “I really don’t know. I’m not allowed to jump for a while though. Sehee will have to do it herself.”  
  
“You scared me,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. I moved to sit down on the bed next to her. “Seeing you on the ground like that. That was the most terrified I’ve been in my life.”  
  
“I scared me too,” she said, and then she started to cry. I sat holding her until all the tears stopped.  
  
Not more than a month later, she was back on the trapeze.

 

 

 

**08\. An Elephant Named Rosalia (August 1938)**  


  
Lu Hua was always the happiest when she was with her animals. The horses, monkeys, and lion made her happier than anything. But there was one thing she always felt like she was missing.  
  
“I want an elephant,” she would sigh wistfully some days. “I really want an elephant.”  
  
“I’m so sad I wasn’t alive to see Jumbo when he was alive,” she would say other days. “That was so sad. He must have been so beautiful.”  
  
Sometimes, she would stare out into nothing.  
  
August of 1938 was still hot and the days were often sunny, even though they were slowly getting shorter. August also meant that we had less than a year left, but no one knew it at the time. Nothing was wrong at that time. In fact, everything was going right. Towns we stopped in seemed to be doing better in the later years of the 30s than they had in the beginning. People seemed happier. Yixin’s trapeze acts were better than they had been before her fall more than a year before, and she hadn’t slipped since despite the increased difficulty of her and Sehee’s routine.  
  
“Minseon,” Yixin whispered in my ear one night. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I rolled over to look at her. “I want to marry you.”  
  
“You know we can’t.” Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t tell if they were happy or sad tears. Maybe they were a bit of both.  
  
“Promise me then, just between the two of us.” She pulled a thin silver ring out from underneath her pillow. I nodded and the tears threatened to fall. “Til death do us part?”  
  
“Til death do us part,” I promised, and she slipped the ring onto my finger and pulled me in for a kiss.  
  
There are all kinds of love, and you could find examples of all of them in that circus. There’s best friend love, between Yixin and LuHua, sibling love, between Jongdae and Baekhee, love of animals with Lu Hua, and romantic love, between Yixin and I. But we weren’t the only ones.  
  
Lu Hua was always up before everyone else. She slipped quietly out of her tent to spend a couple hours in the menagerie with her animals before everyone else started their day. Feeding them, brushing the horses, playing with the monkeys and cooing at Sébastien. She had fallen asleep next to the lion in his den before and was the only human I’ve ever met who was able to do so. Jongdae, in his years of working there, had a few close calls with that lion.  
  
It was an early evening in August, when we woke up to Lu Hua screaming. Yixin jumped out of the bed immediately, and I followed soon after her. “What is this?” I heard Lu Hua scream.  
  
Chanmi arrived at the menagerie the same time we did with a grumbling Kyungah trailing behind her. “This better be real fucking important,” she said. Yixin entered the menagerie first as Baekhee came running up.  
  
“Lu Hua?” Yixin called as she entered the tent. “Is everything alright?” Her question was answered with another scream, which this time sounded joyful.  
  
“I don’t know, I’m a little afraid to go in there,” Baekhee said. “That’s Lu Hua’s territory.” Then she looked at me with a grin. “Something you know well am I right Navy Wife?” I gave her a soft shove.  
  
“Where the Hell did that thing come from?” I heard Yixin say from within the tent. “Lu Hua!”  
  
“Well I don’t know!” Lu Hua was still screaming. Yixin popped her head out and looked directly at Baekhee.  
  
“Where’s Jongdae?” She whispered sharply.  
  
Baekhee shrugged. “I don’t know. He wasn’t in the tent when I woke up though.”  
  
“You can all come in,” Yixin said next. I entered first, just in time to see Jongdae stepping out from behind a large elephant.  
  
“Surprise,” he said with a shrug.  
  
“Was this… was this _you_?” Lu Hua asked, looking between the elephant and Jongdae.  
  
“Yeah,” he said. “There was a zoo in Spain that was shutting down and they had this elephant for sale. I know you been wanting one, so I got her. Her name is Rosalia.”  
  
“Rosalia,” Lu Hua mused. “Rosalia! How pretty! Que bonita!” She cried with excitement.  
  
“I’m going back to bed,” Kyungah grumbled behind me, and Chanmi followed her out with a large smile on her face. “Wow an elephant! Isn’t that great Kyungah? We’ve got an elephant in our circus now!” She was saying as they left together.  
  
“My brother,” Baekhee said with a smile and a shake of her head. “Always so over the top.”  
  
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. The way he looked at her from where he stood, the corner of his lips turned up in a smile and his eyes watching her like he never wanted to look away. He always went to her when she called and did everything she asked even if it almost killed him just so she would be happy. That was all he needed to get out of it, just to see her smile. He didn’t need the hug she gave him, running forward and throwing herself into his arms. He didn’t need to feel her laughter in his neck where she buried her face. He didn’t need her legs wrapped around his hips but he held her like he couldn’t let go even if he tried.  
  
“Oh,” I said. “He’s…”  
  
“Yup,” Baekhee said.  
  
“In love,” Yixin swooned.  
  
“But we don’t meddle in things like that. Let him sort it out on his own. Maybe one day she’ll know.” Yixin and Baekhee made their way out of the tent and I followed closely behind, leaving Jongdae alone with Lu Hua.  
  
There’s a certain kind of feeling you get when you hold the love of your life for the first time. It’s like you never want to let go. Like they were made to be right there in your arms for the rest of your life. It never grows old either. The feeling never goes away. I held Yixin close that evening when we went back to bed to try to get a bit more sleep and I wished that I could hold her forever. I thought that I could.

 

 

 

**09\. We All Fall Down (July 1939)**  


  
In 1885, Jumbo the elephant was killed in a train accident. The animals were being loaded into their car when an unscheduled freight train came roaring along the tracks towards him. Although the train tried to stop, it was unable to, and Jumbo was struck and killed in the accident. His trainer was inconsolable, but Jumbo saved the smaller elephant by taking the force of the blow. Jumbo was twenty four when he died and an international superstar.  
  
In 1939, we were on the tracks again, heading towards the next town we would be stopping in. The weather was clear and warm and we were hitting the midday point when it happened. All the artists got their own sleeping car in the train, while the workers shared the one behind the last artist car. Behind the workers’ car were two equipment cars, and bringing up the rear were three cars for the animals. Rosalia took up the rear with Sébastien in front of her, then the monkeys and horses together behind the second equipment car.  
  
“Sleep with me in my car,” Yixin whined cutely, pulling on my arm. I shrugged at the twins and gave them an apologetic look.  
  
“Riding in luxury,” Baekhee said. “I see how it is.”  
  
“I’ll see you guys when we arrive in the next town,” I said, waving goodbye to them and going with Yixin. “Rest well!”  
  
I rode the train so often in those years that sometimes it still feels like I’m still on it when I lie down in bed at night. It was never really a smooth ride, but we always got where we needed to be.  
  
We fell asleep that morning, and were awoken sometime just before noon by a loud bang and a sudden lurch of the train. The bed moved across the floor from the momentum of the sudden pulling stop.  
  
“What was that?” I asked. “What’s going on?” Yixin looked scared.  
  
“I don’t know,” she said. She got out of the bed and moved to the window, opening it and looking around. “Oh my god,” she said. “Oh my god, the back cars Minseon.” I quickly climbed out of the bed and ran to the window, knowing that the twins were in one of the further cars. I stuck my head out the window and looked towards the back of the train. The back cars had completely derailed and were thrown across the track. Chanmi jumped out of the car behind ours and Kyungah followed her while Sehee evacuated hers two more down. The last sleeping car behind Sehee’s was Lu Hua’s, but she wasn’t emerging from her car. We quickly opened our door and got out of Yixin’s car too. The workers’ car was fine and the first equipment car was only slightly off the rails, but the last three cars were the worst. “The animals,” Yixin said under her breath. “Oh no.” She linked her arm with mine and pulled in closer. The door to the workers car opened and Jongdae jumped out, not even bothering with the stairs.  
  
“Lu Hua!” He shouted, running towards the destroyed and crumpled animal cars. Some of the horses whinnied and the monkeys screeched. Rosalia’s car was on its side completely and the wood was broken in. She was hard to see in the rubble. It was the same with Sébastien’s car. The lion was barely visible and unmoving. There was splintered wood everywhere. The equipment car was also crumpled, some of the tents and pegs visible on the tracks. Two monkeys climbed out of their car.  
  
“Lu Hua!” Jongdae called again, running to the wreckage. “Answer me and I promise I’ll find you! Answer me and I’ll get you out!”  
  
“What?” Yixin’s grip on my arm loosened. “No, Lu Hua’s in her car. She’s fine. Her car is fine.” Yixin’s eyes were wide and she was shaking her head.  
  
“Lu Hua! Come on! Sebastian needs you!” No one corrected Jongdae’s pronunciation of the lion’s name. “Lu Hua!” He cried again, climbing over the debris and into the lion’s tipped over car. He pulled at the wood, trying to get a way into the car.  
  
That day was the third and last time I saw Tao. He appeared from behind, unheard as usual. He walked up to the wreckage and grabbed Jongdae, pulling him off and away from the crushed cars. “No!” Jongdae cried, struggling in Tao’s grasp. “She’s in there!” I looked next to me where Baekhee was now standing. She had a hand over her mouth and tears rolling down her cheeks. “Let me go!” Jongdae continued to yell and struggle as Tao pulled him farther away from the wreckage. “She’s still in there! She walked through our car less than an hour ago! She said she was going to see the animals! She’s _in there_!”  
  
“I know,” Tao said, almost growling at him. He threw Jongdae to the side and Jongdae fell to his knees. He clenched his fists against his thighs and lowered his head.  
  
“You know,” he said, much quieter.  
  
“Of course I know. But you do not want to see her,” Tao said.  
  
“Yes I do,” Jongdae said, raising his head. “I do, I can help her I can-”  
  
“There is no heartbeat Jongdae!” Tao snapped, his façade falling. Jongdae’s breath visibly hitched and Yixin fell to the ground.  
  
“I still want to see her,” Jongdae said with a dip of his head. His voice was so quiet it was barely audible. Baekhee cried harder.  
  
“I cannot understand why,” Tao said.  
  
“Yeah,” Jongdae scoffed. “There’s a lot you don’t understand about love.”  
  
Yixin was on her hands and knees on the ground next to me, and I quickly lowered myself to her. I placed a hand on her shoulder and she pulled back to sit properly on the ground. “No,” she said, and she shook her head again. “No…” Her eyes stared ahead but she didn’t seem to be looking at anything.  
  
“Please tell me I haven’t lost her. Please Minseon, I can’t have lost her. She saved my life once and I was supposed to protect her with mine. She’s my best friend, she’s my sister she’s—I saw her this morning! How could she be gone?”  
  
The tears started to fall from my eyes and all I could do was pull Yixin into me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.” Yixin crumpled in my arms and broke down completely.  
  
Tao and most of the other workers helped Jongdae to pull Lu Hua out of Sébastien’s crushed car. The bars of the lion’s den had saved his life, but took Lu Hua’s. They left Jongdae with her, and moved next to try and get Rosalia out of her car. I took one look at the girl Jongdae held in his arms and was unable to look back. He ran a hand through her bloodied hair.  
  
“I told you I’d get you out,” he said to her. “I’ve got you.” He rocked her back and forth, unaware that he was uncontrollably shaking. “I’ve always got you.”  
  
There’s a certain kind of feeling you get when you hold the love of your life for the last time. We all feel it at some point. Knowing that you’re never going to hold them again stings more than anything else you’ve ever felt before. So you hold on tighter, but it only increases the pain. You always know when the last time comes, even if you’re unaware. You’ll feel it, that certain kind of feeling. Lu Hua was twenty five when she lost her life next to one of the animals she loved most in the world. Jongdae was just shy of twenty three and couldn’t shed a tear.

 

 

 

**10\. A Love Like That Ain’t Easily Forgot (August 1939)**  


  
Yixin was distant since the accident. Two of the horses broke their legs and three of the monkeys went missing. Sébastien appeared to have entered a depressive state and Rosalia was in serious condition. Veterinarians were running around Lu Hua’s menagerie which had been set up temporarily in the field by where the train derailed. The wrecked cars had been cleaned up, but we were camping out in the field until we could figure out how to go on. Yixin cried a lot, especially during the nights, which we were now sleeping through since we didn’t have the show. She often stared out into the distance and I couldn’t catch her attention no matter how much I tried. Some days it seemed that she had almost forgotten that I existed.  
  
One morning I woke up alone, and got out of the bed quickly to look for Yixin. I found her outside, standing in front of a large tree with a twisted trunk and bare branches that hadn’t been there the night before. Hanging off one of its branches was a small lantern with a lit candle. She was staring up at the tree when I walked up beside her. “It’s a wishing tree,” she said, without looking at me. “You can wish for anything and it will come true.” She smiled at her creation.  
  
“I just want you to be okay again,” I said. She acted like she hadn’t heard.  
  
She was out there by the tree the next day too.  
  
On the third day, Jongdae made a straight beeline for Yixin and the tree.  
  
“Forget it Yixin, this isn’t going to work,” he said. “You can’t bring her back.”  
  
“It’s the wishing tree Jongdae, anything you wish for will come true.”  
  
“You can’t bring her back, Yixin!” It was the only time I had ever heard Jongdae raise his voice at Yixin. She turned her head slowly to look at Jongdae. “Get yourself together,” he said in a calmer voice. “You weren’t the only one who loved her.” Then he turned and saw me. “And she was not the only one who loves you,” he said softly. It was then that Yixin turned to face me and it was the first time she had _really_ looked at me in days.  
  
“Minseon,” she breathed, and the Wishing Tree went up in flames. Neither Yixin nor Jongdae flinched. “Oh, Minseon, I’m so sorry.” She ran for me and, throwing her arms around me tightly, held me close. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she kept repeating.  
  
She was with me that night, her mind and body handed over to me completely. She cried a little, but she was with me and she wanted to be mine. Her kisses were fervent and her hands were everywhere. She kept wanting one last touch, one last kiss, one last declaration of love. She kept wanting and she kept giving and somehow I knew. That feeling hit me hard and stabbed me through the heart. Somehow I knew that that was the last time I would be that close to Yixin, pressed against her skin tightly. Somehow I knew it was the last time I would hold her, so I held her in my arms all night. I held her as though it didn’t hurt.  
  
The feeling was confirmed when I woke up the next morning alone. There was a note sitting on the pillow next to my head.  
  
_Minseon,_ it read. _By the time you read this, I’ll probably already be on the boat. Lu Hua always wanted to go back to France._ So Yixin went for her. _I love you, and I hope you never doubted that and never will. I’ll come back, I promise. And if you’re willing to wait, I’m willing to look for you for the rest of my life in order to find you again. For now, I’m sorry. Love, Yixin._  
  
I read the note over and over again before I heard Jongdae’s voice call from outside. “Minseon, can I come in?” He asked.  
  
“Yes,” I managed to get out. He came in, giving me a sad look. “She left,” I said in disbelief. “She’s gone, she left.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jongdae said, sitting down next to me.  
  
“I don’t understand,” I breathed out, shaking my head. “We promised, til death do us part.”  
  
“Maybe you should have specified whose death.” The words came out almost bitterly, but his face softened right after. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just-” He ran his hands over his face a few times and then through his hair. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Me too,” I said, pulling him in for a hug.  
  
“I never told her,” he said into my shoulder, voice shaking. “She never knew.” It was the first and last time I saw Jongdae cry. It was one of the last times I saw him ever. The next day we got back on what was left of the train and stopped in the next town. From there, everyone said heartfelt goodbyes and went their separate ways. Only the twins and Kyungah and Chanmi remained together as pairs.

 

 

 

**Epilogue: The Show Must Go On**  


  
“So you never saw her again?” I ask, intrigued.  
  
“That’s right,” she replies, subconsciously twisting the silver ring still on her finger.  
  
“Then how is that a happy ending?”  
  
“If the accident hadn’t happened and Lu Hua was still alive, Yixin never would have run off to France. If she hadn’t run off, I never would have followed her.”  
  
“You followed her to Europe?”  
  
“I figured it couldn’t be that much crazier than joining a circus, so I ran after her. I never found her though. The boat arrived in England, and then I headed towards France. Several weeks later, Germany invaded Poland and England and France declared war. I was stuck in France for quite some time before I could get out. It was after one bombing that I found your mother. She was alone in the streets, crying, and no more than five years old. She had lost her whole family when the bomb had hit her house, and how she got out alive I’ll never know. I adopted her. She grew up well, and eventually met your father, and now we have you, Jongin. I don’t know where Yixin is, or even if she’s still alive, but I still got my happy ending. I got a beautiful and loving daughter, a strong and faithful son-in-law, and the most caring, passionate, and talented grandson anyone could ask for. I still got my family. I still got my happy ending.  
  
“There’s a certain kind of feeling you get when you lose the love of your life. You feel a little more hollow inside, like you’re missing a piece of yourself, and maybe you are. But time doesn’t stop, and neither does your heart. I had five years with Yixin, and I’d gladly have five thousand more, but maybe she came into my life when I needed her most, when I could barely afford to eat and my home could be foreclosed any day. She gave me a family, and then, when I no longer needed her, she left.”  
  
“Did you ever see any of them again?” I ask.  
  
She smiles. “Life has a funny way of bringing people back to you,” she replies. “I got out of Europe and back here before the war ended. When I got back I got a job making munitions so I could properly support your mother. Chanmi and Kyungah happened to work in the exact same factory as me. Now that’s what I call a small world. ‘I’m good at blowing things up so I should be good at making things that are good at blowing things up, right?’ was what Chanmi said to me. We got closer in those years than we ever had at the circus. Even throughout the war, Kyungah held her classic look of straight black hair and painted red lips.  
  
“It was Baekhee that surprised me the most though. It was in 1952 that I was selling my house, and I had had several viewings already that day. There was one more family who would be looking at the house that day. When I opened the door, I barely recognized her. Her hair was shorter and had been curled, something I had never seen her do. She had gotten bangs then too. She wore makeup and a white sundress, and had with her a husband and three kids. They were good kids, but incredibly loud. We had tea together and talked about all the years we had been separated. She told me about Jongdae. He had gone off to fight in the war, and he had come back alive. Several years later, he had gone to fight in the Korean War. That one, he didn’t come back from. But she had told me not to worry. ‘He’s not dead,’ she had said. ‘He’s just missing. If all those years he spent putting up with me couldn’t kill him, I don’t think anything can.’ She had smiled wide and it had made her seem so sure of herself. I couldn’t help but believe her. I still think that maybe he is still out there somewhere.”  
  
We talk for a while more, until visiting hours end and I have to leave the retirement home. Although she told the stories often, it was the first time she had down with me to tell me the whole thing through in such detail.  
  
It only takes me about ten minutes to get home and I open the door to my completely dark apartment. Flicking on the kitchen light I notice a slip of paper on my small table. Certain that it wasn’t there when I left to visit my grandmother, I pick it up and read it over.  
  


 

 

 

 

_The Night Bros. Circus  
Back in town for 2 days only!  
Come see The Greatest Show on Earth, after dark!  
Prepare to be amazed!_  


  
  


 


End file.
